The Closed Minded

....Seems I Only Write When Things Bother Me...

Right. Well. People. I have a job. At this job, my boss (the manager) is incredibly sweet (if you are semi-racist like me, she's a Canadian woman that works in hospitality, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met.), however my bosses boss (the head chef and part owner), is not one of the nicest people when it comes to things he doesn't like. He is incredibly nice and jolly when you're good at what you do and look the way he wants you to look, acts the way he wants you to act etc. However, today when I was at the kitchen waiting for a plate of food to be finished before I went into the restaurant to give it to a customer, my bosses boss came to me and we started chatting. he looks at my arm and notices a few scars... 

Before I carry on I need a bit of background information updates, I have depression caused by post traumatic stress disorder, I used to get very angry at myself whenever I did anything wrong or people were upset/angry/disappointed in me. When I got angry at myself I would slash at my wrists to get my anger out on myself. Now I am medicated and have stopped doing that. Yes, I know it's stupid and yes, I regret my stupid actions and no, I didn't think it did anything for me, it was purely out of anger. Anyway...

He points to my arm and says, "What happened to your hand?" I looked at my hands thinking.... (there's something wrong with my hands?) and say, "What hand?" He points to my wrist and says, "That." I looked at him and semi-smiled and said, "Oh, something stupid a long time ago, bad past." He then looks at me in disgust and says, "You're one of those sick people that (then made motions of cutting his wrist and points at mine) to your wrist?! What are you stupid?" I then looked at him with a sinking feeling and a face of probably surprise and said, "It was two years ago..." "Doesn't matter!" He says, cutting me off. "What are you crazy? You see a....a... psychiatrist?!" I said, "Yes." Then he says, "What is wrong with you then!" I then said in the calmest voice I could manage, "I have clinical depression caused by post traumatic stress disorder." He then said (in a kind of 'oh...okay then voice'), "that is a lot for me to say, go run the food." I then went to give the customers their food. 

But yes, I don't understand why he freaked out so much. People nowadays seem to think it's alright to go off at a person for something they don't understand, but it seriously isn't. I almost cried and threw a plate at the wall. (hahaha, but i'm medicated and don't have those intense outbursts anymore, woohoo!) It's not alright for closed minded people to scold other people about something they don't know about or don't believe in. If I was a total atheist and some dickhead Christian man were to come up to me and say, "YOU WILL DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND A SINNER AND BE TORTURED FOREVER BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO THINK HOW I THINK!" I'd be darn pissed off and would want to hit the guy, that is basically what I felt my bosses boss said to me... (Thought i'd re-word it in case you thought the way he thought.) However, he did something even worse than that scenario, he basically told me i'm an idiot for something I did in the past. TWO YEARS AGO!! What? He thought I didn't learn from it? Thought I stopped for money or something? No. I stopped cause I got medicated and don't get such outrageous bursts of anger towards myself that I feel the need to hurt myself and sometimes commit suicide. It's like someone calling you an idiot for not knowing what 7 times 7 was ten years ago and even though you know it now you're still an idiot. I mean come on! 

If you're a close minded and angry person and want to shove their thoughts in a cruel way at someone, please, stop. Think thoroughly about what you are going to say. Try to say it in a nice way, try to be kind and sane, try to think of how others are feeling instead of crashing them down.... (Slightly hypocritical of me, but meh.) Would be nice.. Whatever happened to "treat others the way you would want to be treated." If he were to ever say that to me I'd shout at him whenever he cooked a steak wrong or was mean to someone and call him an idiot. ...anyway, if ever my bosses boss were to read this. I'd be finished. Hopefully, he takes my "be nice" bit of this into some consideration. Who am I kidding...don't think he'd ever do that. 

Toodles.. (yes, i said toodles.)

A message...

Long & Sad

Short & Sweet doesn't apply to the beginning of this...

So I haven't seen my mother in a year. She is finally coming back in 10 days, I haven't seen her in a year. In the time she has left, I have suffered a downfall in my life. My depression increased and I gave up on school, I feared the future, I didn't want to live anymore, I didn't think there was any point of me trying to make myself a future and therefore basically went way down in my marks. I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends, I lazed around at home. I delved into relationships that hurt me and others. I became sick in many ways, I had an infection in my back, seeing as I didn't know my medicare number nor did I have the money to go to a doctor, I decided not to see one. After a week it was so bad I couldn't walk. I went to the doctor (by walking, the most excruciating experience I have ever had.) I gave my brother the doctor's script and told him I really needed it. I stayed in bed for three days in pain because that's how long it took for him to finally get it. It was still hurting so much I couldn't sit down and had to walk very slowly or the pain would go shooting up my back and down my legs; I went to the doctor again, I had to get stronger antibiotics, which took my brother a week to get. I had to go to school, I didn't want to miss three lessons at school that gave me the little joy I had in my life. I cried. A lot. The fear of the doctor's words, "If these don't work you will have to go into surgery" built up within me. Now, I have a slight pain in my back if I sit a certain way or do a certain dance move. The fear that the infection will come back and i'll have to get surgery on my spine haunts me. My mother missed my graduation, an event I didn't want to go to. However my boyfriend encouraged me to go. That day I cried, knowing the end of easy life was over. The fear of real life settled in. I had a breakdown before my graduation, that caused me to try to burn down my house and my brother in it. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. Who were so kind to me. I was still suffering very bad depression, however they accepted me and helped me. I am so thankful to know people like them. They pulled me out of my misery, supported me at my first proper dance performance at the convention centre in Perth. They showed me a family. They brought me into a family. I have never known what it was like to be in a family where everyone supported each other and got together on all the special occasions. (Christmas, Easter etc.) I am so happy and touched that I was invited to these things, and made a part of it. This family and this house has become a home to me. It saddens me to know that I will be leaving it shortly. 10 days. I love my mother but I fear the house I used to call my home. I don't want to be sucked into a dark hole of depression again. But now I know that I have a family to turn to pull me out of it if I need it. This family has become dear friends of mine. This is a message to them, thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me, you have no idea how thankful I am, you have no idea how good it is to not cry tears of sadness anymore. I thank you. So much. I hope that you will meet my mother one day and will love her. I hope you can one day see me as family. I hope you know I will always be there if you need anything. Josh and Shane; you have brought my laughter and friendliness back. Janine; you have given me my faith in humanity back. Jake; you have been my rock, you have given me myself back. I love you guys. Peace be with you.