A message...

Long & Sad

Short & Sweet doesn't apply to the beginning of this...

So I haven't seen my mother in a year. She is finally coming back in 10 days, I haven't seen her in a year. In the time she has left, I have suffered a downfall in my life. My depression increased and I gave up on school, I feared the future, I didn't want to live anymore, I didn't think there was any point of me trying to make myself a future and therefore basically went way down in my marks. I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends, I lazed around at home. I delved into relationships that hurt me and others. I became sick in many ways, I had an infection in my back, seeing as I didn't know my medicare number nor did I have the money to go to a doctor, I decided not to see one. After a week it was so bad I couldn't walk. I went to the doctor (by walking, the most excruciating experience I have ever had.) I gave my brother the doctor's script and told him I really needed it. I stayed in bed for three days in pain because that's how long it took for him to finally get it. It was still hurting so much I couldn't sit down and had to walk very slowly or the pain would go shooting up my back and down my legs; I went to the doctor again, I had to get stronger antibiotics, which took my brother a week to get. I had to go to school, I didn't want to miss three lessons at school that gave me the little joy I had in my life. I cried. A lot. The fear of the doctor's words, "If these don't work you will have to go into surgery" built up within me. Now, I have a slight pain in my back if I sit a certain way or do a certain dance move. The fear that the infection will come back and i'll have to get surgery on my spine haunts me. My mother missed my graduation, an event I didn't want to go to. However my boyfriend encouraged me to go. That day I cried, knowing the end of easy life was over. The fear of real life settled in. I had a breakdown before my graduation, that caused me to try to burn down my house and my brother in it. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. Who were so kind to me. I was still suffering very bad depression, however they accepted me and helped me. I am so thankful to know people like them. They pulled me out of my misery, supported me at my first proper dance performance at the convention centre in Perth. They showed me a family. They brought me into a family. I have never known what it was like to be in a family where everyone supported each other and got together on all the special occasions. (Christmas, Easter etc.) I am so happy and touched that I was invited to these things, and made a part of it. This family and this house has become a home to me. It saddens me to know that I will be leaving it shortly. 10 days. I love my mother but I fear the house I used to call my home. I don't want to be sucked into a dark hole of depression again. But now I know that I have a family to turn to pull me out of it if I need it. This family has become dear friends of mine. This is a message to them, thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me, you have no idea how thankful I am, you have no idea how good it is to not cry tears of sadness anymore. I thank you. So much. I hope that you will meet my mother one day and will love her. I hope you can one day see me as family. I hope you know I will always be there if you need anything. Josh and Shane; you have brought my laughter and friendliness back. Janine; you have given me my faith in humanity back. Jake; you have been my rock, you have given me myself back. I love you guys. Peace be with you.