DRUUUUUNK

So everyone knows, people shouldn't post stuff publicly when you're drunk but fuck it. I feel like writing so here I go.

The pathetic stereotypes of people, of the female gender, when being broken up with is very much unfortunately true. Listening to sad music, watching sad movies crying with a drink and chocolate ice cream. It's pathetic and annoying. Here I am simply showing my sadness to the world and all these people giving a mix of advice confusing my head. I haven't had time to be alone with myself yet. SO, this is just a way to think of what I feel in a public way so I don't have to repeat what I feel like to the few friends I have who care so much about me but don't seem to understand I just want to be alone and drink with sad music in the background so I feel like I'm part of a romantic comedy movie and feel like someone from my past is going to rock up at my door with flowers and we'll drink and laugh and end up having sex and an awkward series of events with funny comments and a happy ending with kissing and shit, with the full knowledge nothing movie worthy is going to happen now.

I said all that cliched shit is true, but it's not what I've been doing. I've just become a part-time alcoholic and insane chocolate ice-cream consumer that I know will pass in a few weeks. Then, knowing me I'll randomly see my ex and be all damn I'm all sad and shit. But I'll be all cool grounded Emily with all the hurt already out in drinking episodes with friends talking about other break ups and my past relationships and bagging on my ex-boyfriend and me laughing but secretly wanting to punch them for saying such shit stuff about him because I have respect for most of my ex's. (Most, not many of my ex's deserve respect. Unfortunately I know if they were ever to come to me with a problem or whatever I'd be the most understanding friend they have because I still have love for them that I will always carry.)  Then i'll have an awesome day hanging out with them to later go home alone and cry my eyes out cause it's happen so many times before, and I know this is one of the most sane normal guys I know so I know for a fact there's no re-going out, there's no being close friends that share with each other for life or anything. We'll try to be friends but in a while we'll drift apart and I'll become another of his girlfriends he's forgotten the name of in a year or two.

One of the worst things of this break up is that I'm going to lose a real family that I felt I had for a short amount of time and that totally sucks. I also know that as much as I don't want to be, I will become another crazy ex of his and that is the last thing that I want to happen. The very worst thing is that I don't get to have that conversation with a bunch of girlfriends where I go through why I don't know why we didn't work and why he broke up with me or whatever. No, I don't get that. Because I know it's because I took too long to fix myself and quit smoking and become sane and become a better girlfriends. It's because I didn't make more of an effort to pay him back for his kindness, it's because I didn't go to his enough, it's because I'm not sexually active enough.

World, you may feel pity for me, or anger towards me, maybe even anger towards my ex-boyfriend. But know that this is just the thoughts of a girl that knew it wouldn't work out and unfortunately got too invested before talking about how the relationship was going with her partner. I was once told that the reason I was so sad, messed up, and shitty things happened in my life was all my fault, at that point he was wrong, but know that this time that quote is unfortunately true. Don't pity me, don't be angry at me, don't be angry at anyone. I'm just a drunk idiot spilling her brains out to you cause she doesn't know any other way to get her feelings out when she isn't capable of crying. I post it publicly because it'll get it off my chest, and so one day I can read this, laugh about it, and draw on the sadness I once felt to write a chapter of a book that needs a sad undertone.

Live happy my readers. And alcohol, solves no problems.

Off The Meds PII

Some Stuff & Some Things

So today... I have learned that unfortunately, sometimes you do have to judge a book by it's cover. I am not one to judge on appearances so when a couple came into work today, who looked a little shifty but who spoke intelligently and nicely ordered some drinks, I treated them like any other customer. Unfortunately, they ran out on me. Leaving me responsible for 18 dollars of drinks unpaid. Sure, it's not much or whatever. But I felt lost and absolutely enraged when this happened. I felt like chasing them down and raging but I didn't. There were customers in the place and I was alone, to do that would be 1:stupid and 2:unprofessional. But god fucking damn it!

I would just like to say to anyone on here that ever thought of running out on something you ordered from a restaurant (yes, i've thought of it too) DON'T! You have absolutely no fricken idea how much the smallest amount of money left unpaid affects the people working. It pisses them off insanely and gets them into trouble. (Even though everyone knows it wasn't their fault, they feel like an idiot for not having a sixth sense about people, which is stupid, but man do they get the most disappointing and pissed off looks. That shit hurts)

ANYWAY! I've been accepted into Uni (YAY!!!), however I need to defer (BOOO...), as I have recently been enrolled to do a traineeship at my workplace. (YAY!!!) If I'm not able to go to University next year I would be DEVISTATED!!! But blah. Anyway. Stuffs and things.

Off The Meds PI

And Now We Talk About... Relationships

So. I'm not a person with a lot of good experiences with relationships. When they are good, they tend to turn very bad very quickly. I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's the guys I'm with. But at the moment, I'm very much... lost. Lost because I'm confused to if every time I find a fault in someone, I amplify it in my mind or if that fault is really that bad. I have no idea. It scares me.

I probably shouldn't be writing about this in a blog, fuck it, I know i'm not. But hey. Artists use pain to create art right? And hey, I need some practice.

..........SO here's a bit of my mind for ya....

It doesn't hurt. It used to, but it doesn't anymore. The feeling of need, the burn, the ache. When it ceases, are we comfortable, or have we lost the fire of love that burns within us? Every time they're together, she gets more uncertain. Does he love her, does she deserve him, is she the one for him, is she bringing him down? People remind her that these aren't the things she should be thinking about. Continuously going in circle of she needs to be fixed and he doesn't like her. Should she be angry at herself or happy at herself? Must she be free first? Will she be able to be free? She feels so connected to people, everyone in her past still blooms in her heart, will he be the same? A lost, painful shadow? Or should she not be worrying about this? Should she be going for the ride? If she's stopping to think, does this mean she does not want to be with him? She loves him, she knows that much. But he is not the first person she goes to when she is sad, she is afraid to show sadness, weakness, failure. She feels like she is failing him. She hates that feeling. WHAT does she do? WHO does she turn to?

....

Just a piece of my mind rambling there, like the rest of my silly little blogs. Enjoy life everyone. xD