The Apology

Words are incredibly powerful. You can do so many shit things.. But string the right words together and they're yours again. Unfortunately for me I do several shit things and when I don't mean my apologies, I get forgiven. It's painful that when I'm actually sorry I have no idea what to say. A wave of guilt engulfs me and a very sharp pain lingers in my chest. It seems I choose the wrong people to do shit things to. It's always people who are close to me, people I love. I've done so many horrible things to the people I love. I'm ashamed whenever I think about them, whenever I see these people I want to hug them and make a huge apology filled with uplifting phrases and powerful music in the background. But of course that never happens. It probably wouldn't work either, the people I want to forgive have either disappeared from my life completely, are now so emotionally far away it's like we don't exist to each other or don't forgive easy, they might never forgive anything at all.

For a very long time I was easily swayed by other people. Being a puppet to the way they think I should do things. They'd whisper, and i'd follow. (I say whisper, a lot of it is usually shouting.) At the end it is my fault, but those voices were just so dominant... I'd feel confused and make very bad decisions to solve a problem. They'd be so dramatic and i'd immediately regret it. Then feel too sorry for myself to go back and correct it immediately. I know, i'm an idiot. I always wait until its too late to do anything.

It's surprising how much we can grow in a split second. When it's needed most, when we hit a new low or people we love need us. We grow everyday. New experiences causes us to mature and be more accepting and understanding. We meet new people who change our perspectives of life. I believe a lot of how people view the world have allowed me to do this, them sharing their deepest thoughts have allowed me to better understand the way I view the world and accept the differences between other people and myself.

I'm getting a bit far away from my point. In short, I've grown, I've forgiven and I have accepted my mistakes and want to slowly correct them. I've started by being sure I don't bother the people I love more with some aspects of my life that I myself don't like anymore. This is my next step. An apology. Public and truthful. I have done some very bad things to all you good people I love out here. For everything I did I am sorry. I'm sorry for my anger, my stupidity, my ignorance and my several bad decisions. I'm sorry if I ever strung you along, if a bad decision I made hurt you emotionally or physically  I'm sorry for all my lies. I'm sorry for putting myself in danger. I'm sorry if I ever worried you. I'm sorry for everything. I don't promise immediate change. But I do promise I am sorry. Like a friend once said, there is so much pain and hurt in the world, so many people who don't forgive, and I don't want to add to it. Everyone deserves love. Even those who have hurt others and myself deserve love and acceptance. I truly believe that. We are all victims of circumstance sometimes, and god knows everything done, when seen in a certain light, is acceptable. But when we forgive, when we let people in, we are able to grow that much more.

For all of you that think this is bullshit. May it be my apology or my views on things, I can see how you could think that. I've read things like this before and thought the same thing, thought that some people are just bad or even thought the whole world was evil, I've even thought everyone was selfish and horrible and by "letting my guard down" i'd allow people to walk all over me. Maybe you have been subject to bad decisions all your life, maybe you grew up with people who have just been hurt over and over again, maybe you have been hurt by letting people in. To you people, I love you. I understand, I accept and I love you. You have been able to endure so much, may it be small matters to me, they are big to you, you deserve love and acceptance and have seldom or never had it. I hope one day you forgive and accept people. I hope you cast those who hurt you out of your life, I hope you learn to accept why they did what they did and move on.

Thank you for reading this. To anyone and everyone who reads this, I thank you for hearing my apology and reading my views and I thank you for not stopping halfway through. :) Live well.

P.S. My biggest apologies go to my aunt. A woman who has hurt me so much it once caused me to change my views and hate everyone around me. I forgive you and I myself am sorry for never forgiving you earlier. I'm sorry for everything I've said. You had your reasons. May God be with you.