Obsessive Relationships

Ok. I've been in this situation so many times, and yes i'm usually the one like this. So many people in this world are either caught up in relationships that they hate or obsessed with a person that doesn't want them. They go to complete extremes where their life is no longer important to them because of one person they think is amazing. Everyone has fucking flaws, and nobody is worth your life. If you seriously harm yourself in any way because of one person, you need help and you need it now. I know, been there, got that help, now i'm a lot better. If a relationship doesn't work out, you should just accept it, and move the fuck on. Sure be sad, but don't threaten to kill yourself, don't self-harm. It's the most ridiculous reason to want out of life... I can completely understand if you're a teenager, you lost your virginity to someone and your naivety brings you to extremes. Totally understand, still pisses me off, but I understand. What I don't understand is why older people who should know better do the same thing. I've had so many friends talking about ending their life because of someone they "loved" and I've had people actually try and need someone to physically hold them back. It destroys people, the people you care about and the people who care about you. There is no point. We don't need other people to survive. Young people should not get caught up in romantic love so much that they want to kill themselves when people who can't eat or work are living happily. We're always wanting more and it's stupid. Fuck. Take some drugs and be happy. That is my mean rant for the day. Not like my usual blogs but I don't care. This pisses me off. Romantic love, no matter how amazing it is, is never worth your life when you lose it.

Peace out and live happy.

The Apology

Words are incredibly powerful. You can do so many shit things.. But string the right words together and they're yours again. Unfortunately for me I do several shit things and when I don't mean my apologies, I get forgiven. It's painful that when I'm actually sorry I have no idea what to say. A wave of guilt engulfs me and a very sharp pain lingers in my chest. It seems I choose the wrong people to do shit things to. It's always people who are close to me, people I love. I've done so many horrible things to the people I love. I'm ashamed whenever I think about them, whenever I see these people I want to hug them and make a huge apology filled with uplifting phrases and powerful music in the background. But of course that never happens. It probably wouldn't work either, the people I want to forgive have either disappeared from my life completely, are now so emotionally far away it's like we don't exist to each other or don't forgive easy, they might never forgive anything at all.

For a very long time I was easily swayed by other people. Being a puppet to the way they think I should do things. They'd whisper, and i'd follow. (I say whisper, a lot of it is usually shouting.) At the end it is my fault, but those voices were just so dominant... I'd feel confused and make very bad decisions to solve a problem. They'd be so dramatic and i'd immediately regret it. Then feel too sorry for myself to go back and correct it immediately. I know, i'm an idiot. I always wait until its too late to do anything.

It's surprising how much we can grow in a split second. When it's needed most, when we hit a new low or people we love need us. We grow everyday. New experiences causes us to mature and be more accepting and understanding. We meet new people who change our perspectives of life. I believe a lot of how people view the world have allowed me to do this, them sharing their deepest thoughts have allowed me to better understand the way I view the world and accept the differences between other people and myself.

I'm getting a bit far away from my point. In short, I've grown, I've forgiven and I have accepted my mistakes and want to slowly correct them. I've started by being sure I don't bother the people I love more with some aspects of my life that I myself don't like anymore. This is my next step. An apology. Public and truthful. I have done some very bad things to all you good people I love out here. For everything I did I am sorry. I'm sorry for my anger, my stupidity, my ignorance and my several bad decisions. I'm sorry if I ever strung you along, if a bad decision I made hurt you emotionally or physically  I'm sorry for all my lies. I'm sorry for putting myself in danger. I'm sorry if I ever worried you. I'm sorry for everything. I don't promise immediate change. But I do promise I am sorry. Like a friend once said, there is so much pain and hurt in the world, so many people who don't forgive, and I don't want to add to it. Everyone deserves love. Even those who have hurt others and myself deserve love and acceptance. I truly believe that. We are all victims of circumstance sometimes, and god knows everything done, when seen in a certain light, is acceptable. But when we forgive, when we let people in, we are able to grow that much more.

For all of you that think this is bullshit. May it be my apology or my views on things, I can see how you could think that. I've read things like this before and thought the same thing, thought that some people are just bad or even thought the whole world was evil, I've even thought everyone was selfish and horrible and by "letting my guard down" i'd allow people to walk all over me. Maybe you have been subject to bad decisions all your life, maybe you grew up with people who have just been hurt over and over again, maybe you have been hurt by letting people in. To you people, I love you. I understand, I accept and I love you. You have been able to endure so much, may it be small matters to me, they are big to you, you deserve love and acceptance and have seldom or never had it. I hope one day you forgive and accept people. I hope you cast those who hurt you out of your life, I hope you learn to accept why they did what they did and move on.

Thank you for reading this. To anyone and everyone who reads this, I thank you for hearing my apology and reading my views and I thank you for not stopping halfway through. :) Live well.

P.S. My biggest apologies go to my aunt. A woman who has hurt me so much it once caused me to change my views and hate everyone around me. I forgive you and I myself am sorry for never forgiving you earlier. I'm sorry for everything I've said. You had your reasons. May God be with you.

The Ups And Downs

Pain & Power

It is human nature to make mistakes. It is human nature to crave violence. It is human nature to cause pain and want power.

For centuries people have proven these human traits with their wars. But the thing that further proves these disgusting human traits are the day to day dramas everyone goes through. The best and most interesting of which are "bad" relationships.

Though people label them bad, I would call them fun. The power plays, the top, the bottom, the leader, the follower, the strong, the weak. The player and the played. I have seen so many relationships where the girl has been in power lately, and it is the most fascinating play to witness.

These days, there are many men in relationships who are toyed with and at the end are made to be the bad ones. For years I have heard how men are horrible disgusting people but I have noticed a change in recent times. Men are now annoying and over-emotional where as women are manipulative, and to put it in my way, cunning deceitful bitches. And yes, I can be one too. The women fuck over these men, use them and at the end make them lose everything if they do a slight thing wrong or wake up to their senses. Then the bitching starts, then the hating. At the end of it all the  spiteful chicks are pitied and cared for and the men are hated for no reason.

The whole point to this incredibly long observation is something that reminds me that people are, well, fucked. There isn't a chance in hell for world peace, cause no matter how small or big the group of people, one group will always respond to bad things by being worse, the roles will never become equal, simply reversed. People were made to fit one of two roles, master and slave.

The point of this all my readers.... May you be strangers, family members, friends, ex-lovers or my current lover, you are unfortunately fucked. But here's a little advice. Care more about yourself than others. If you're horrid, then well, you'll get what's coming to you. If you're nice, it'll work out very well for you. If you care more about yourself and learn to love yourself, you won't ever be wanting to please other people and you won't get caught in the battle of slave or master.

This advice may seem like I'm telling you to be selfish and horrid, but that's not what it means at all. I've seen that people who stay true to themselves and what they want, actually go on to living life somewhat well and in a way that doesn't fuck them up or those around them. No power plays, cause there's no need for them. etc. etc. etc.

So this is just another shout out to you guys to say that I love you and I hope you are all caring for yourselves and living life well.

Remember my readers, you NEED nobody. People come and go, that's life.

Live well, and prosper. :P

The Complications Of Complicated Things.

It's an odd thing when you realise just how much you rely on other people's thoughts to do an action. I know I have intense worries about being accepted and loved and all of that, but I never paid much thought to how others opinions of who I hang out with and what I do actually influence all that I am and all the actions I take.

It's easy for someone to say, "don't give a shit about what others think about you". But when push comes to shove you listen to everyone you care about who you think cares about you, then you act accordingly. Sure that may just seem like accepting their opinions and whatever. But i've been really thinking about it lately and I felt like a complete idiot. I'll tell you why.

People started telling me I shouldn't be with who I am with and it started making me actually thinking about everything I had just put to rest in my mind. I made myself confused and rethink everything I thought of already. Something hit me in this huge moment of confusement, (I say moment, it lasted about three days.) I am actually rethinking everything I spent a good few days thinking about already. I went through this with a clearer mindset then right now with all these things that people have said to me in my head, what the hell am I doing? So i figured i'd be true to the saying i've been taking this piss out of for weeks.... Fuck it, YOLO, I want to do this, I want to just fucking follow my heart rather than my brain. My heart feels good when i'm with this person. Sure it felt good with another person... But that bridge burned when well, when I learned what I was to her. So now when I think of the girl I religiously thought of and trusted and felt so good to be with, all I get is hurt. And a lot of it. But anyway, that's my own issue. I do actually have a point and it is this.

When we are young, like I am, we have to stop thinking about all of the complications, we have to stop being so close to people and feeling like their our world. We don't know. All we can do is take a chance and when people see an issue, listen, but don't start worrying about it for ages and let it echo through your mind every single day. Fuck that. Life is fleeting, as is the opportunities and people that come up in our lives. So take them by the hand, see how you feel, and if you want it, take it and see where it leads you. Life is a fucking roller coaster of an adventure. At the end of the day all we can really do is hold on and trust. If it breaks don't fucking let go and be the reason for your untimely demise. No. If it breaks you hold on and you find another track that feels right and see where that leads you. We have time. And a fuck load of it. Don't complicate things. Just be.

Stripper Enthusiast

So I went to a strip place and my god was it fun. But there was something about that night that burns into my brain. A man who obviously spends a lot of time at that place talked to my friend and I (No, it's not like that, he was lovely). He read me somehow and said something so simplistic and so amazing that I feel my eyes have opened a little. "Go back to school. Follow your passion." It's like he knew me forever and I just felt so serene knowing that someone out there knows I do have a creative mind that yearns to be free and grow. I want the knowledge to write to the public and interest and inspire people. Bleurgh. Just thought i'd like people to know.

Anyway, readers, have you ever made such a stupid mistake you wanted to rewind time and just slap yourself in the face? I know I do. I have the tendency to get either very angry or very horny when I'm drunk, a few days ago the very angry drunk Emily came out and unfortunately did not have the calm and understanding mind of sober Emily. I hate upsetting people. No matter how much I dislike them or how much I anger them I always look at it through their eyes and feel I have enough of an understanding to know why they would do things that make me angry and just let it go. That power went away that day due to alcohol and anger and now a part of me is just crumbling. Readers, i can't deal with mistakes, and hiding away from my feelings of something bad that happened a couple of weeks ago has become a huge problem. So i'm here to say, I need an audience to talk to and release my thoughts. I know deep down I am not meant to be with the man I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know this. But it hurts me to know there is a part of me that will never want to see him again because it would always hurt me. This has happened before and I can't bear to think of them anymore. My beating around the bush and putting on a brave face slapped me right back. Now the man I love will become a bad memory of a bad ending. I'm losing the closest people to me left and right because I can't deal with myself. I have to say it's heart breaking. Fixing all my relationships with my friends and ex-lovers is going to be very difficult. But I'm sick of cutting people out. It's time to try to let some people in...

Wish me luck. Hopefully I'll learn something from this journey.

DRUUUUUNK

So everyone knows, people shouldn't post stuff publicly when you're drunk but fuck it. I feel like writing so here I go.

The pathetic stereotypes of people, of the female gender, when being broken up with is very much unfortunately true. Listening to sad music, watching sad movies crying with a drink and chocolate ice cream. It's pathetic and annoying. Here I am simply showing my sadness to the world and all these people giving a mix of advice confusing my head. I haven't had time to be alone with myself yet. SO, this is just a way to think of what I feel in a public way so I don't have to repeat what I feel like to the few friends I have who care so much about me but don't seem to understand I just want to be alone and drink with sad music in the background so I feel like I'm part of a romantic comedy movie and feel like someone from my past is going to rock up at my door with flowers and we'll drink and laugh and end up having sex and an awkward series of events with funny comments and a happy ending with kissing and shit, with the full knowledge nothing movie worthy is going to happen now.

I said all that cliched shit is true, but it's not what I've been doing. I've just become a part-time alcoholic and insane chocolate ice-cream consumer that I know will pass in a few weeks. Then, knowing me I'll randomly see my ex and be all damn I'm all sad and shit. But I'll be all cool grounded Emily with all the hurt already out in drinking episodes with friends talking about other break ups and my past relationships and bagging on my ex-boyfriend and me laughing but secretly wanting to punch them for saying such shit stuff about him because I have respect for most of my ex's. (Most, not many of my ex's deserve respect. Unfortunately I know if they were ever to come to me with a problem or whatever I'd be the most understanding friend they have because I still have love for them that I will always carry.)  Then i'll have an awesome day hanging out with them to later go home alone and cry my eyes out cause it's happen so many times before, and I know this is one of the most sane normal guys I know so I know for a fact there's no re-going out, there's no being close friends that share with each other for life or anything. We'll try to be friends but in a while we'll drift apart and I'll become another of his girlfriends he's forgotten the name of in a year or two.

One of the worst things of this break up is that I'm going to lose a real family that I felt I had for a short amount of time and that totally sucks. I also know that as much as I don't want to be, I will become another crazy ex of his and that is the last thing that I want to happen. The very worst thing is that I don't get to have that conversation with a bunch of girlfriends where I go through why I don't know why we didn't work and why he broke up with me or whatever. No, I don't get that. Because I know it's because I took too long to fix myself and quit smoking and become sane and become a better girlfriends. It's because I didn't make more of an effort to pay him back for his kindness, it's because I didn't go to his enough, it's because I'm not sexually active enough.

World, you may feel pity for me, or anger towards me, maybe even anger towards my ex-boyfriend. But know that this is just the thoughts of a girl that knew it wouldn't work out and unfortunately got too invested before talking about how the relationship was going with her partner. I was once told that the reason I was so sad, messed up, and shitty things happened in my life was all my fault, at that point he was wrong, but know that this time that quote is unfortunately true. Don't pity me, don't be angry at me, don't be angry at anyone. I'm just a drunk idiot spilling her brains out to you cause she doesn't know any other way to get her feelings out when she isn't capable of crying. I post it publicly because it'll get it off my chest, and so one day I can read this, laugh about it, and draw on the sadness I once felt to write a chapter of a book that needs a sad undertone.

Live happy my readers. And alcohol, solves no problems.

Off The Meds PII

Some Stuff & Some Things

So today... I have learned that unfortunately, sometimes you do have to judge a book by it's cover. I am not one to judge on appearances so when a couple came into work today, who looked a little shifty but who spoke intelligently and nicely ordered some drinks, I treated them like any other customer. Unfortunately, they ran out on me. Leaving me responsible for 18 dollars of drinks unpaid. Sure, it's not much or whatever. But I felt lost and absolutely enraged when this happened. I felt like chasing them down and raging but I didn't. There were customers in the place and I was alone, to do that would be 1:stupid and 2:unprofessional. But god fucking damn it!

I would just like to say to anyone on here that ever thought of running out on something you ordered from a restaurant (yes, i've thought of it too) DON'T! You have absolutely no fricken idea how much the smallest amount of money left unpaid affects the people working. It pisses them off insanely and gets them into trouble. (Even though everyone knows it wasn't their fault, they feel like an idiot for not having a sixth sense about people, which is stupid, but man do they get the most disappointing and pissed off looks. That shit hurts)

ANYWAY! I've been accepted into Uni (YAY!!!), however I need to defer (BOOO...), as I have recently been enrolled to do a traineeship at my workplace. (YAY!!!) If I'm not able to go to University next year I would be DEVISTATED!!! But blah. Anyway. Stuffs and things.