The Apology

Words are incredibly powerful. You can do so many shit things.. But string the right words together and they're yours again. Unfortunately for me I do several shit things and when I don't mean my apologies, I get forgiven. It's painful that when I'm actually sorry I have no idea what to say. A wave of guilt engulfs me and a very sharp pain lingers in my chest. It seems I choose the wrong people to do shit things to. It's always people who are close to me, people I love. I've done so many horrible things to the people I love. I'm ashamed whenever I think about them, whenever I see these people I want to hug them and make a huge apology filled with uplifting phrases and powerful music in the background. But of course that never happens. It probably wouldn't work either, the people I want to forgive have either disappeared from my life completely, are now so emotionally far away it's like we don't exist to each other or don't forgive easy, they might never forgive anything at all.

For a very long time I was easily swayed by other people. Being a puppet to the way they think I should do things. They'd whisper, and i'd follow. (I say whisper, a lot of it is usually shouting.) At the end it is my fault, but those voices were just so dominant... I'd feel confused and make very bad decisions to solve a problem. They'd be so dramatic and i'd immediately regret it. Then feel too sorry for myself to go back and correct it immediately. I know, i'm an idiot. I always wait until its too late to do anything.

It's surprising how much we can grow in a split second. When it's needed most, when we hit a new low or people we love need us. We grow everyday. New experiences causes us to mature and be more accepting and understanding. We meet new people who change our perspectives of life. I believe a lot of how people view the world have allowed me to do this, them sharing their deepest thoughts have allowed me to better understand the way I view the world and accept the differences between other people and myself.

I'm getting a bit far away from my point. In short, I've grown, I've forgiven and I have accepted my mistakes and want to slowly correct them. I've started by being sure I don't bother the people I love more with some aspects of my life that I myself don't like anymore. This is my next step. An apology. Public and truthful. I have done some very bad things to all you good people I love out here. For everything I did I am sorry. I'm sorry for my anger, my stupidity, my ignorance and my several bad decisions. I'm sorry if I ever strung you along, if a bad decision I made hurt you emotionally or physically  I'm sorry for all my lies. I'm sorry for putting myself in danger. I'm sorry if I ever worried you. I'm sorry for everything. I don't promise immediate change. But I do promise I am sorry. Like a friend once said, there is so much pain and hurt in the world, so many people who don't forgive, and I don't want to add to it. Everyone deserves love. Even those who have hurt others and myself deserve love and acceptance. I truly believe that. We are all victims of circumstance sometimes, and god knows everything done, when seen in a certain light, is acceptable. But when we forgive, when we let people in, we are able to grow that much more.

For all of you that think this is bullshit. May it be my apology or my views on things, I can see how you could think that. I've read things like this before and thought the same thing, thought that some people are just bad or even thought the whole world was evil, I've even thought everyone was selfish and horrible and by "letting my guard down" i'd allow people to walk all over me. Maybe you have been subject to bad decisions all your life, maybe you grew up with people who have just been hurt over and over again, maybe you have been hurt by letting people in. To you people, I love you. I understand, I accept and I love you. You have been able to endure so much, may it be small matters to me, they are big to you, you deserve love and acceptance and have seldom or never had it. I hope one day you forgive and accept people. I hope you cast those who hurt you out of your life, I hope you learn to accept why they did what they did and move on.

Thank you for reading this. To anyone and everyone who reads this, I thank you for hearing my apology and reading my views and I thank you for not stopping halfway through. :) Live well.

P.S. My biggest apologies go to my aunt. A woman who has hurt me so much it once caused me to change my views and hate everyone around me. I forgive you and I myself am sorry for never forgiving you earlier. I'm sorry for everything I've said. You had your reasons. May God be with you.

The Ups And Downs

Pain & Power

It is human nature to make mistakes. It is human nature to crave violence. It is human nature to cause pain and want power.

For centuries people have proven these human traits with their wars. But the thing that further proves these disgusting human traits are the day to day dramas everyone goes through. The best and most interesting of which are "bad" relationships.

Though people label them bad, I would call them fun. The power plays, the top, the bottom, the leader, the follower, the strong, the weak. The player and the played. I have seen so many relationships where the girl has been in power lately, and it is the most fascinating play to witness.

These days, there are many men in relationships who are toyed with and at the end are made to be the bad ones. For years I have heard how men are horrible disgusting people but I have noticed a change in recent times. Men are now annoying and over-emotional where as women are manipulative, and to put it in my way, cunning deceitful bitches. And yes, I can be one too. The women fuck over these men, use them and at the end make them lose everything if they do a slight thing wrong or wake up to their senses. Then the bitching starts, then the hating. At the end of it all the  spiteful chicks are pitied and cared for and the men are hated for no reason.

The whole point to this incredibly long observation is something that reminds me that people are, well, fucked. There isn't a chance in hell for world peace, cause no matter how small or big the group of people, one group will always respond to bad things by being worse, the roles will never become equal, simply reversed. People were made to fit one of two roles, master and slave.

The point of this all my readers.... May you be strangers, family members, friends, ex-lovers or my current lover, you are unfortunately fucked. But here's a little advice. Care more about yourself than others. If you're horrid, then well, you'll get what's coming to you. If you're nice, it'll work out very well for you. If you care more about yourself and learn to love yourself, you won't ever be wanting to please other people and you won't get caught in the battle of slave or master.

This advice may seem like I'm telling you to be selfish and horrid, but that's not what it means at all. I've seen that people who stay true to themselves and what they want, actually go on to living life somewhat well and in a way that doesn't fuck them up or those around them. No power plays, cause there's no need for them. etc. etc. etc.

So this is just another shout out to you guys to say that I love you and I hope you are all caring for yourselves and living life well.

Remember my readers, you NEED nobody. People come and go, that's life.

Live well, and prosper. :P

The Complications Of Complicated Things.

It's an odd thing when you realise just how much you rely on other people's thoughts to do an action. I know I have intense worries about being accepted and loved and all of that, but I never paid much thought to how others opinions of who I hang out with and what I do actually influence all that I am and all the actions I take.

It's easy for someone to say, "don't give a shit about what others think about you". But when push comes to shove you listen to everyone you care about who you think cares about you, then you act accordingly. Sure that may just seem like accepting their opinions and whatever. But i've been really thinking about it lately and I felt like a complete idiot. I'll tell you why.

People started telling me I shouldn't be with who I am with and it started making me actually thinking about everything I had just put to rest in my mind. I made myself confused and rethink everything I thought of already. Something hit me in this huge moment of confusement, (I say moment, it lasted about three days.) I am actually rethinking everything I spent a good few days thinking about already. I went through this with a clearer mindset then right now with all these things that people have said to me in my head, what the hell am I doing? So i figured i'd be true to the saying i've been taking this piss out of for weeks.... Fuck it, YOLO, I want to do this, I want to just fucking follow my heart rather than my brain. My heart feels good when i'm with this person. Sure it felt good with another person... But that bridge burned when well, when I learned what I was to her. So now when I think of the girl I religiously thought of and trusted and felt so good to be with, all I get is hurt. And a lot of it. But anyway, that's my own issue. I do actually have a point and it is this.

When we are young, like I am, we have to stop thinking about all of the complications, we have to stop being so close to people and feeling like their our world. We don't know. All we can do is take a chance and when people see an issue, listen, but don't start worrying about it for ages and let it echo through your mind every single day. Fuck that. Life is fleeting, as is the opportunities and people that come up in our lives. So take them by the hand, see how you feel, and if you want it, take it and see where it leads you. Life is a fucking roller coaster of an adventure. At the end of the day all we can really do is hold on and trust. If it breaks don't fucking let go and be the reason for your untimely demise. No. If it breaks you hold on and you find another track that feels right and see where that leads you. We have time. And a fuck load of it. Don't complicate things. Just be.

Stripper Enthusiast

So I went to a strip place and my god was it fun. But there was something about that night that burns into my brain. A man who obviously spends a lot of time at that place talked to my friend and I (No, it's not like that, he was lovely). He read me somehow and said something so simplistic and so amazing that I feel my eyes have opened a little. "Go back to school. Follow your passion." It's like he knew me forever and I just felt so serene knowing that someone out there knows I do have a creative mind that yearns to be free and grow. I want the knowledge to write to the public and interest and inspire people. Bleurgh. Just thought i'd like people to know.

Anyway, readers, have you ever made such a stupid mistake you wanted to rewind time and just slap yourself in the face? I know I do. I have the tendency to get either very angry or very horny when I'm drunk, a few days ago the very angry drunk Emily came out and unfortunately did not have the calm and understanding mind of sober Emily. I hate upsetting people. No matter how much I dislike them or how much I anger them I always look at it through their eyes and feel I have enough of an understanding to know why they would do things that make me angry and just let it go. That power went away that day due to alcohol and anger and now a part of me is just crumbling. Readers, i can't deal with mistakes, and hiding away from my feelings of something bad that happened a couple of weeks ago has become a huge problem. So i'm here to say, I need an audience to talk to and release my thoughts. I know deep down I am not meant to be with the man I love and wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I know this. But it hurts me to know there is a part of me that will never want to see him again because it would always hurt me. This has happened before and I can't bear to think of them anymore. My beating around the bush and putting on a brave face slapped me right back. Now the man I love will become a bad memory of a bad ending. I'm losing the closest people to me left and right because I can't deal with myself. I have to say it's heart breaking. Fixing all my relationships with my friends and ex-lovers is going to be very difficult. But I'm sick of cutting people out. It's time to try to let some people in...

Wish me luck. Hopefully I'll learn something from this journey.

DRUUUUUNK

So everyone knows, people shouldn't post stuff publicly when you're drunk but fuck it. I feel like writing so here I go.

The pathetic stereotypes of people, of the female gender, when being broken up with is very much unfortunately true. Listening to sad music, watching sad movies crying with a drink and chocolate ice cream. It's pathetic and annoying. Here I am simply showing my sadness to the world and all these people giving a mix of advice confusing my head. I haven't had time to be alone with myself yet. SO, this is just a way to think of what I feel in a public way so I don't have to repeat what I feel like to the few friends I have who care so much about me but don't seem to understand I just want to be alone and drink with sad music in the background so I feel like I'm part of a romantic comedy movie and feel like someone from my past is going to rock up at my door with flowers and we'll drink and laugh and end up having sex and an awkward series of events with funny comments and a happy ending with kissing and shit, with the full knowledge nothing movie worthy is going to happen now.

I said all that cliched shit is true, but it's not what I've been doing. I've just become a part-time alcoholic and insane chocolate ice-cream consumer that I know will pass in a few weeks. Then, knowing me I'll randomly see my ex and be all damn I'm all sad and shit. But I'll be all cool grounded Emily with all the hurt already out in drinking episodes with friends talking about other break ups and my past relationships and bagging on my ex-boyfriend and me laughing but secretly wanting to punch them for saying such shit stuff about him because I have respect for most of my ex's. (Most, not many of my ex's deserve respect. Unfortunately I know if they were ever to come to me with a problem or whatever I'd be the most understanding friend they have because I still have love for them that I will always carry.)  Then i'll have an awesome day hanging out with them to later go home alone and cry my eyes out cause it's happen so many times before, and I know this is one of the most sane normal guys I know so I know for a fact there's no re-going out, there's no being close friends that share with each other for life or anything. We'll try to be friends but in a while we'll drift apart and I'll become another of his girlfriends he's forgotten the name of in a year or two.

One of the worst things of this break up is that I'm going to lose a real family that I felt I had for a short amount of time and that totally sucks. I also know that as much as I don't want to be, I will become another crazy ex of his and that is the last thing that I want to happen. The very worst thing is that I don't get to have that conversation with a bunch of girlfriends where I go through why I don't know why we didn't work and why he broke up with me or whatever. No, I don't get that. Because I know it's because I took too long to fix myself and quit smoking and become sane and become a better girlfriends. It's because I didn't make more of an effort to pay him back for his kindness, it's because I didn't go to his enough, it's because I'm not sexually active enough.

World, you may feel pity for me, or anger towards me, maybe even anger towards my ex-boyfriend. But know that this is just the thoughts of a girl that knew it wouldn't work out and unfortunately got too invested before talking about how the relationship was going with her partner. I was once told that the reason I was so sad, messed up, and shitty things happened in my life was all my fault, at that point he was wrong, but know that this time that quote is unfortunately true. Don't pity me, don't be angry at me, don't be angry at anyone. I'm just a drunk idiot spilling her brains out to you cause she doesn't know any other way to get her feelings out when she isn't capable of crying. I post it publicly because it'll get it off my chest, and so one day I can read this, laugh about it, and draw on the sadness I once felt to write a chapter of a book that needs a sad undertone.

Live happy my readers. And alcohol, solves no problems.

Off The Meds PII

Some Stuff & Some Things

So today... I have learned that unfortunately, sometimes you do have to judge a book by it's cover. I am not one to judge on appearances so when a couple came into work today, who looked a little shifty but who spoke intelligently and nicely ordered some drinks, I treated them like any other customer. Unfortunately, they ran out on me. Leaving me responsible for 18 dollars of drinks unpaid. Sure, it's not much or whatever. But I felt lost and absolutely enraged when this happened. I felt like chasing them down and raging but I didn't. There were customers in the place and I was alone, to do that would be 1:stupid and 2:unprofessional. But god fucking damn it!

I would just like to say to anyone on here that ever thought of running out on something you ordered from a restaurant (yes, i've thought of it too) DON'T! You have absolutely no fricken idea how much the smallest amount of money left unpaid affects the people working. It pisses them off insanely and gets them into trouble. (Even though everyone knows it wasn't their fault, they feel like an idiot for not having a sixth sense about people, which is stupid, but man do they get the most disappointing and pissed off looks. That shit hurts)

ANYWAY! I've been accepted into Uni (YAY!!!), however I need to defer (BOOO...), as I have recently been enrolled to do a traineeship at my workplace. (YAY!!!) If I'm not able to go to University next year I would be DEVISTATED!!! But blah. Anyway. Stuffs and things.

Off The Meds PI

And Now We Talk About... Relationships

So. I'm not a person with a lot of good experiences with relationships. When they are good, they tend to turn very bad very quickly. I don't know if it's me, I don't know if it's the guys I'm with. But at the moment, I'm very much... lost. Lost because I'm confused to if every time I find a fault in someone, I amplify it in my mind or if that fault is really that bad. I have no idea. It scares me.

I probably shouldn't be writing about this in a blog, fuck it, I know i'm not. But hey. Artists use pain to create art right? And hey, I need some practice.

..........SO here's a bit of my mind for ya....

It doesn't hurt. It used to, but it doesn't anymore. The feeling of need, the burn, the ache. When it ceases, are we comfortable, or have we lost the fire of love that burns within us? Every time they're together, she gets more uncertain. Does he love her, does she deserve him, is she the one for him, is she bringing him down? People remind her that these aren't the things she should be thinking about. Continuously going in circle of she needs to be fixed and he doesn't like her. Should she be angry at herself or happy at herself? Must she be free first? Will she be able to be free? She feels so connected to people, everyone in her past still blooms in her heart, will he be the same? A lost, painful shadow? Or should she not be worrying about this? Should she be going for the ride? If she's stopping to think, does this mean she does not want to be with him? She loves him, she knows that much. But he is not the first person she goes to when she is sad, she is afraid to show sadness, weakness, failure. She feels like she is failing him. She hates that feeling. WHAT does she do? WHO does she turn to?

....

Just a piece of my mind rambling there, like the rest of my silly little blogs. Enjoy life everyone. xD

The Closed Minded

....Seems I Only Write When Things Bother Me...

Right. Well. People. I have a job. At this job, my boss (the manager) is incredibly sweet (if you are semi-racist like me, she's a Canadian woman that works in hospitality, she is one of the nicest people I've ever met.), however my bosses boss (the head chef and part owner), is not one of the nicest people when it comes to things he doesn't like. He is incredibly nice and jolly when you're good at what you do and look the way he wants you to look, acts the way he wants you to act etc. However, today when I was at the kitchen waiting for a plate of food to be finished before I went into the restaurant to give it to a customer, my bosses boss came to me and we started chatting. he looks at my arm and notices a few scars... 

Before I carry on I need a bit of background information updates, I have depression caused by post traumatic stress disorder, I used to get very angry at myself whenever I did anything wrong or people were upset/angry/disappointed in me. When I got angry at myself I would slash at my wrists to get my anger out on myself. Now I am medicated and have stopped doing that. Yes, I know it's stupid and yes, I regret my stupid actions and no, I didn't think it did anything for me, it was purely out of anger. Anyway...

He points to my arm and says, "What happened to your hand?" I looked at my hands thinking.... (there's something wrong with my hands?) and say, "What hand?" He points to my wrist and says, "That." I looked at him and semi-smiled and said, "Oh, something stupid a long time ago, bad past." He then looks at me in disgust and says, "You're one of those sick people that (then made motions of cutting his wrist and points at mine) to your wrist?! What are you stupid?" I then looked at him with a sinking feeling and a face of probably surprise and said, "It was two years ago..." "Doesn't matter!" He says, cutting me off. "What are you crazy? You see a....a... psychiatrist?!" I said, "Yes." Then he says, "What is wrong with you then!" I then said in the calmest voice I could manage, "I have clinical depression caused by post traumatic stress disorder." He then said (in a kind of 'oh...okay then voice'), "that is a lot for me to say, go run the food." I then went to give the customers their food. 

But yes, I don't understand why he freaked out so much. People nowadays seem to think it's alright to go off at a person for something they don't understand, but it seriously isn't. I almost cried and threw a plate at the wall. (hahaha, but i'm medicated and don't have those intense outbursts anymore, woohoo!) It's not alright for closed minded people to scold other people about something they don't know about or don't believe in. If I was a total atheist and some dickhead Christian man were to come up to me and say, "YOU WILL DIE BECAUSE YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND A SINNER AND BE TORTURED FOREVER BECAUSE YOU'RE TOO STUPID TO THINK HOW I THINK!" I'd be darn pissed off and would want to hit the guy, that is basically what I felt my bosses boss said to me... (Thought i'd re-word it in case you thought the way he thought.) However, he did something even worse than that scenario, he basically told me i'm an idiot for something I did in the past. TWO YEARS AGO!! What? He thought I didn't learn from it? Thought I stopped for money or something? No. I stopped cause I got medicated and don't get such outrageous bursts of anger towards myself that I feel the need to hurt myself and sometimes commit suicide. It's like someone calling you an idiot for not knowing what 7 times 7 was ten years ago and even though you know it now you're still an idiot. I mean come on! 

If you're a close minded and angry person and want to shove their thoughts in a cruel way at someone, please, stop. Think thoroughly about what you are going to say. Try to say it in a nice way, try to be kind and sane, try to think of how others are feeling instead of crashing them down.... (Slightly hypocritical of me, but meh.) Would be nice.. Whatever happened to "treat others the way you would want to be treated." If he were to ever say that to me I'd shout at him whenever he cooked a steak wrong or was mean to someone and call him an idiot. ...anyway, if ever my bosses boss were to read this. I'd be finished. Hopefully, he takes my "be nice" bit of this into some consideration. Who am I kidding...don't think he'd ever do that. 

Toodles.. (yes, i said toodles.)

A message...

Long & Sad

Short & Sweet doesn't apply to the beginning of this...

So I haven't seen my mother in a year. She is finally coming back in 10 days, I haven't seen her in a year. In the time she has left, I have suffered a downfall in my life. My depression increased and I gave up on school, I feared the future, I didn't want to live anymore, I didn't think there was any point of me trying to make myself a future and therefore basically went way down in my marks. I stopped going to school, I stopped seeing my friends, I lazed around at home. I delved into relationships that hurt me and others. I became sick in many ways, I had an infection in my back, seeing as I didn't know my medicare number nor did I have the money to go to a doctor, I decided not to see one. After a week it was so bad I couldn't walk. I went to the doctor (by walking, the most excruciating experience I have ever had.) I gave my brother the doctor's script and told him I really needed it. I stayed in bed for three days in pain because that's how long it took for him to finally get it. It was still hurting so much I couldn't sit down and had to walk very slowly or the pain would go shooting up my back and down my legs; I went to the doctor again, I had to get stronger antibiotics, which took my brother a week to get. I had to go to school, I didn't want to miss three lessons at school that gave me the little joy I had in my life. I cried. A lot. The fear of the doctor's words, "If these don't work you will have to go into surgery" built up within me. Now, I have a slight pain in my back if I sit a certain way or do a certain dance move. The fear that the infection will come back and i'll have to get surgery on my spine haunts me. My mother missed my graduation, an event I didn't want to go to. However my boyfriend encouraged me to go. That day I cried, knowing the end of easy life was over. The fear of real life settled in. I had a breakdown before my graduation, that caused me to try to burn down my house and my brother in it. I moved in with my boyfriend and his family. Who were so kind to me. I was still suffering very bad depression, however they accepted me and helped me. I am so thankful to know people like them. They pulled me out of my misery, supported me at my first proper dance performance at the convention centre in Perth. They showed me a family. They brought me into a family. I have never known what it was like to be in a family where everyone supported each other and got together on all the special occasions. (Christmas, Easter etc.) I am so happy and touched that I was invited to these things, and made a part of it. This family and this house has become a home to me. It saddens me to know that I will be leaving it shortly. 10 days. I love my mother but I fear the house I used to call my home. I don't want to be sucked into a dark hole of depression again. But now I know that I have a family to turn to pull me out of it if I need it. This family has become dear friends of mine. This is a message to them, thank you. Thank you so much. You have no idea how much you have helped me, you have no idea how thankful I am, you have no idea how good it is to not cry tears of sadness anymore. I thank you. So much. I hope that you will meet my mother one day and will love her. I hope you can one day see me as family. I hope you know I will always be there if you need anything. Josh and Shane; you have brought my laughter and friendliness back. Janine; you have given me my faith in humanity back. Jake; you have been my rock, you have given me myself back. I love you guys. Peace be with you.

Beating Around The Bush

Beating Around The Bush: Guys Confuse Me

So, I've had a few friends have this happen to them, and I've probably been in this situation myself and not realised it. But yeah, there are these guys out there who seem to be too "nice" to break it to girls easily. These guys know they don't want to be with these girls or even talk to them, but instead of saying this straight out, they do obvious things that make us know it's never gonna happen, but because these guys are being so "nice", we think that maybe there's a chance we can squeeze into their lives and just stick to them. Maybe they're weak and we can break them, maybe they're being legit and just are not free EVER to hang out (Girls who think this are fooling themselves). But this isn't the case. Guys will beat around the bush until they can't take it and explode and THEN after months and months of confusing fucking around, hope and heart-ache, the girl is shut down and, if the guy has a conscience, he's going to feel like a total prick. I've got a question for all the guys that answer "Can I come over?" or "Would you like to hang out this weekend?" with a long pause and THEN after this LONG EXCRUCIATING pause say, "Oh sorry i'm busy. Maybe another time." Why don't you just say, "Actually, probably not, because to tell you the truth I'm not that into you, so much so that I'm gonna need some space before we become friends." It would be SO MUCH EASIER than making false promises of hanging out later and the girl always making efforts then being shut down by you dickheads. You men seem to think we'll give up if you keep saying "maybe next time", but we don't. We have tremendous will power when it comes to wanting a guy. We will try again and again and again, if these girls are as stupid and crazy as me they'll show up to your door, kidnap you, and take you out whether you like it or not and try to force you to like us. You NEED to just break it off at some point. TELL US YOU'RE NOT INTERESTED AND WON'T BE!!!!! It may seem dickheady now, but it will be a lot less mean than if you string us along for months and months and months then suddenly go, "FUCK OFF I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU!". We women are crazy when it comes to chasing guys. We will try until we break you down. It's just the way we are. So stop beating around the bush. Give it to us straight. It's not our fault we "can't take a hint". We're too needy to give up the chase. We're too hopeful to give you up. We're too "in love" to leave you alone. We're women, hear us beg.

Forgetting Special Occasions

The troubles of being broke

Okay, so i'm really annoyed. I get paid shit every week, and because of that I have to plan everything weekly. Unfortunately, I usually go all serious about my week, food, train fare, all that shit. This week I forgot that it would be Easter this weekend, because I forgot this I'm not able to do something that I've wanted to do for a VERY VERY long time. I was supposed to make this epic, huge ass, mother fucking GOD of an Easter egg for my boyfriend. Like, a hug Easter egg then crack it in half and add all these delicious yummy-ness to the middle, melt that shit shut and wrap it up and give it to him. But now, I can't do that because I forgot to plan to save all this money for this epic present of epic-ness. But you know what, because I get paid so shit I probably wouldn't have been able to afford it anyway.... I AM SO DAMN ANNOYED!!!!! But anyway, Easter is coming up. I'm not christian or anything, I don't celebrate Easter as the second coming of Christ. I enjoy it for the chocolate and the bunnies. The beautiful celebration of spending money for chocolate that society has made it. I don't even know how the fucking bunny came into it but fuck it, I like chocolate I love bunnies. Put them both together and I think you have a damn awesome holiday. Unless you kill a bunny and cover it in chocolate then eat that on a Sunday... That's kind of fucked. Mmmmm, bunny blood and chocolate, though a raspberry jelly filled chocolate bunny would be awesome. KILL THE BUNNY AND SUCK IT'S BLOOD!!!!! ...If it's a chocolaty jelly yumminess bunny... Yeah.

Ok, so completely not to any point according to this computer, you spell chocolaty like that < rather than chocolatey..... That's kinda weird.

Anyhoooo, happy Easter everybody. Go kill those chocolate bunnies, and remember; don't forget special occasions, you could be like me and become a sick freak who enjoys the thought of bunnies getting cut up because of it. :)

Just Waiting For Something To Happen

So, I am a very VERY lazy person. It's bloody annoying that my boyfriend is one of the most energetic people I have ever met. he's a MAN'S MAN!!!! He gets up at like five every day, goes to work as a fucking tradie, lifting up things more than twice my weight and working his ass off. He gets home and pretty much lazes around then sleeps. But on the weekend he works out, goes out to barbecues and runs around and shit. I don't wake up till like one maybe three in the afternoon. I'm a night person. I don't get my energy till about seven which is when I usually start working, and I'm in hospitality, you need to be energetic. Faking being happy is very difficult and energy consuming. But anyway. Today, my boyfriend and I are not together even though we live with each other cause of our differing sleeping patterns and energy levels. I'm kind of just waiting for a miracle to happen. Maybe one day i'll be able to be energetic when he is and we'll able to fucking RUN AROUND SCREAMING OUR HEADS OFF together and being absolute retards together rather than being annoyed at each other cause when I'm tired he's all BLAAAAAAAAAH and when he's tired I'm all BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! But yes, it is rather irritating. SO, readers, stay active and shit. Cause if you find a crazy energetic chick that wants to bang you.....You won't be able to keep up with the crazy you'll have in your bed. :)

To Smoke Or Not To Smoke; The Excitement Of Quitting

The Book That Is About To Change My Life

Okay, back story. I bought a book called "Allen Carr's EASY WAY TO QUIT SMOKING" a couple of weeks ago. I've been reading it very slowly, afraid of quitting. But tonight, the book has given me a peak into the world I am going to enter into soon and I am unbelievably excited for what is to come. The author of this book had just described some health problems that I had been having for the past couple of years that I always thought was due to anxiety/depression blah blah blah blah blah HOWEVER, I have just read a chapter where he described these things as symptoms of sickness from smoking, he also tells me that after a couple of months these had all vanished after quitting. He also had more energy at 60 as a non-smoker than 42 as a smoker. I have always been an energetic person, but for the past year or so I have been feeling run down, tired, just not bothered with the next day, scared to get up and do things. This was not all because of my depression, this was because of smoking. He described all of this as something he had and that others like him had. The fact that after reading this book, I could restore to the old, healthy, way too energetic Emily makes me so excited I could cry. You may be thinking, "Oh hey, If you're so excited why don't you quit now?" The book has said from the beginning not to quit until told to, because if you try half way (like so many other people have tried to) you will fail. So, I really want to quit now, I'm not going to let this happen to me. I can't wait until I have finished this book and my mind is able to wander and the creativity I posses is stirred up once more. I just had to share this with all of you, and if anybody reading this wants to quit smoking or has these symptoms, seriously, read the book I'm reading. I already feeling it take hold of me and make me want to quit more and make me excited to quit. I honestly just can't wait. 

Have A Good Enriching Life My Readers.

xx

Writing, Reading, Joy.

All About Me, It Involves You

I have always been obsessed with writing. As a child my father made me write stories every night, short or long, maybe even a paragraph of absolute gibberish. It was his way to allow me to express myself and enjoy the English word. I am forever great-full he opened up this side of me. Through word, through stories, I was able to learn about feelings. Words were able to move me in ways I had not experienced. It allowed my imagination to run wild, it allowed me to understand human nature, it allowed me to understand what I feel is true joy. Words have, still do and forever will move me because of my upbringing. I am so very happy about that. I keep and read a lot of things from my past. My diaries, my stories, my rants, fuck; even my assignments from school that I loved and never had the heart to throw away. This makes me understand myself, my past and how I am now. Whenever I feel something, I have the urge to write it down, as I know it will move me later in life. Even really bad depressing poems that I wrote when I was ten, can move me to tears or laughter, it will bring me back to that day, it will remind me of my sorrow and my accomplishment, my accomplishment of getting over it. It allows me to understand who I am. I wrote something while I was having a smoke, I had a thought, a feeling, something I wanted to keep hold of... This is what it is:

"I write the way I think or speak. Most that do that are in some sort of film/television. Why? So that as soon as something springs to mind they can say it and be entertaining to other people. I write because I hate people. I'm bad with people. I can't speak intelligently nor can I ever say what I really mean or want to say. I'm not a speaker, I'm a writer. When I write all I have is my pen and paper or keyboard and screen. I write to entertain myself, if you happen to enjoy what I enjoy then awesome, maybe one day i'll be a famous writer and be able to indulge myself with the fake happiness money can buy me. If not, then I shall have many memories saved for me to look back on and make me feel how I felt when I wrote a certain poem, story, rant or random sex scene. I allow memories to fill me and reminisce on my naive days and my inspiring days. I don't write to please you, I write to please myself. I like to think that's something unique about me. Those who enjoy what I write enjoy me. Enjoy the way my mind works. That knowledge is happiness money can't buy. That is the happiness you people that read what I write, fill me up with. I wish to thank you. For being a fan of me. Now; publish or buy my book when it's finished. Allow me to find others who are as crazy as me. Allow me to have more happiness. Read me. Read what I am, who I am, how I am, what I am. Read where I am in life. I hope it fills you with the emotions it fills me. 'Cause if it does, then you love me and therefore somehow love yourself. 

To My Readers.

I love you....I love me... <3 xD"

By knowing yourself you can know others. By loving yourself you can love others. To put yourself before others is not shallow. It is a kindness you grant to those close to you. Those who know you, the real you. To those who love you. Because if you do not love and know yourself, you cannot know and love someone else. It is a message as old as time and a message I would like to re-write in my own words. For someone to love and know others, they must love and know where that love and knowledge originated from. For if they don't, they don't understand what it is to know something nor love it. How would you know a feeling that you have not felt for yourself? I have felt anger for myself, guilt for myself, pity for my self and jealousy for myself. (Jealous of my writing not being able to be voiced) I have felt love for myself therefore can and do love others. I love my boyfriend, my family, my friends. I truly do feel for them what I feel for myself. This is the note I wish to share and save for myself. To remember, that I do love my readers. For they love themselves and me. Or at least enjoy themselves and me. I share happiness with them. I enjoy them. 

To My Readers.

Write, Read, Enjoy. 

Don't Listen To Shit Unless You Have Their Dick

Guys & Their Emotions; Why My Generation Is Fucked

Guys have emotions. (Oh My Fucking God...SHOCK... for older people.) For so long guys have been told to suck it up and be MANLY. But now we have, "you depressed? Naaaaah, talk about your feelings and open up, please PLEASE tell me how you feel". In the good old days when this message was first starting to get out, men laughed at the idea of feelings. "Feelings?! What are these feeling you talk of?" Now, guys open up to every single vagina they see. I miss the days when they tried to open up the vagina rather than open up to it. It is awesome, totally awesome, that the gals that actually want to hear about how their man is can now better understand them. (bleurgh) But for all the girls who have to suffer through hours and hours and text message after text message of how they feel and how depressed and desperate they are, it's A TOTAL NIGHTMARE! Hey, if I want to hear a repeated "i'm depressed and clueless but don't know it" story i'd listen to depressing country music. I don't need every guy friend I have to open up to me and tell me the same damn story again and again about how they thing they're loosing a girl or they haven't achieved in their life. I've heard it once, I tried to help, if you didn't take my advice then fuck off, if my advice didn't work, THEN WHY DO YOU TELL ME THIS SHIT? I WILL CONTINUE THE SAME ADVICE. If you just want someone to talk to...., there are therapists who get paid for that shit. Talk to them. I won't help. I don't know how the male mind works man FUCK. I don't even know how women think or feel. I don't get people, don't tell me anything. God! The only girls/women who want to hear about your feelings are those who ask you, mothers and girlfriends. Girlfriends listen to that stuff so you think we're understanding and we can get an orgasm by the end of it. Really, most of us who own a vagina are more heartless and selfish than you think. The worst kind of emotion-having man there is are the ones that open up to those who have been "friend-zoned". We women-friends will help you out with your problems, but only when you tell us a problem then give us a few months to breath, then another DIFFERENT problem. We'll pat your back and shit, give you advice. Hope you go through it. Those who don't further ask about your problems don't want to hear them. So.... STOP PURSUING SYMPATHY!! If you get any from us cold, heartless bitches; it's most probably fake. I, luckily, haven't heard a guys relationship problem in a while. I make sure that every single one thinks that I am too self-obsessed with my own problems to listen to theirs (therefore not willing to lend an ear) I've also spent years getting too involved in people's problems and making their bad situations worse (therefore not a good advice giver). I don't see how I have male friends, but I still do. Must be my amazing humor and smashing good looks. xD To the women who get vagina talk from penis having people, I feel sorry for you; try my method. For the men who have vaginas. Stop. Look for someone who cares before talking to them. Try a therapist. I have one. It's awesome. Women, keep trying to get into their genitals. They'll most probably be so caught up in the chance to have sex with you that they won't even bother about emotions anymore. Don't want their sex? Tease the fuck out of them. :P Moral of this rant: Don't listen to their emotional crap, unless you get a damn good sexual favour in return. I know, I've helped you so much. 

Be Happy My Readers!

P.S. ....Angry about this blog? Talk to a therapist. :)

Autobiographies, Blogs, Facebook. Twitter.

A, B, F, T. Just a Thought

They went from autobiographies to blogs to facebook to twitter. Famous *ahem* rich people used to tell people about their lives by writing books, then the wonderful internet provided away from these famous *ahem* rich people to put their lives into shorter, easier, daily way for people to know about their lives. They wrote long blogs to tell people about their lives on fancy sites that got people paid to be read. Then we had facebook, even shorter stories were written to update people on their lives. Now, there's twitter. The way famous ......rich, update people on their lives have become shorter and shorter, showing the world how annoyingly short our attention spans have become. Also, the fact that these things are now available for anyone to write is showing how everyone subconsciously wants to be famous. I say famous because it's the easiest way to say, loved, cared about and known. We want people to know about us. What we're doing, what we're thinking. We want people to care. You all probably already know this. You all probably don't care that we're doing this. But I do. It disturbs me that we all use technology to be "famous". I miss the old ways. The days where we connected and shared by talking to people face to face. By conversing, sharing, really knowing a person, reading their body language, hearing their tone, feeling them. Through voice, tone, touch. I love techonology, I really do, I'm writing on a blog for crying out loud. But we should really be using it to connect. Not to be connected. What's next? Daily words to describe what we did and how we feel? Just a thought. ...Love me.

NothingAvailable

Nothing Available

I've spent the last 20 minutes to create this blog as well as a twitter account. Why? Because nothing is available. Ever. It's hard to stay technologically connected when your name is incredibly boring. Emily Richardson. No middle name, nickname is too confusing and I just don't have 2 or 3 cool exciting and original words to describe me. Fuck. I know others have the exact same problem. If you do, I apologise. Why do I apologise? I apologise that there are so many of you like me, I just add to the problem. So do you. ...fuck you. -.- My blogs will be more interesting as time goes by. Most will be poetry, short stories, maybe even diary entries. But today, I shall rage. For I have been off my anti depressants for 4 days. You can't add so many new blogs and accounts without raging. You should see me facebook page. :P